It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
