mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
