I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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