Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
