I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
