Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
