Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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