You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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