I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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