Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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