youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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