One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
