He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
