Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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