ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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