Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
