ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
