SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
