Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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