im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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