who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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