I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
