if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
pop tarts are not kleenex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
