I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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