I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
