just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
