she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
