This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
