I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
