You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He shit in the fireplace
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
