peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
