He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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