Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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