I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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