This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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