He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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