How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
