I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
