Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
