I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
