She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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