I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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