My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
