My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
