oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
