hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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