Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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