Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
