Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
