They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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